D

Sometimes I wonder why I am so drawn to difficulty. Difficulties in life, difficulties in my character, difficulties in life coping with my character. Most of the problems are interwined with a memory or some kind of link to a past traumatic or troubled event. It is as if I had a knot of feelings, the worries all tangled up deep inside of me. When certain situations start loosening the knot I suddenly have to cope with these dark mixed emotions all at once. Falling into chaos I run through the tangles somehow trying to get them untangled yet when I fail, and the situation ends I quietly tie them up again waiting for something to pull the strings. So I do want to get them sorted out but why can I not do it on my own? Probably because I'm scared, afraid to deal with my own dark feelings by myself. Like my lover told me that he had always felt so bare and alone like a little boy out in the plains with a tornado coming close. It is very difficult to deal with things as big as yourself, especially when your eyes tend to magnify the bad to make it worse. Making yourself into one big demon when all you are is human.